Tantrums, we have all experienced them, and generally at the most awkward or inconvenient times. What do you do about tantrums? Why are they having them? Sometimes multiple times a day? What do you do about them?
First, let’s look at what a tantrum is. The dictionary definition is an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child. So in other words it is an intense storm of emotions, such as disappointment, loss, anger, and/or deep frustration.
Now you may ask yourself, we all experience that, but in general, adults don’t go around throwing themselves on the floor, stomping their feet, holding their breath, or throwing things. So why do children? In general, tantrums can begin anywhere from 12 months to 3 years old. This is typical because young children have strong emotions and do not yet know how to express that in socially acceptable ways.
There are in general, two types of tantrums
- Emotional meltdowns
- Non-emotional tantrums- also called Little Nero tantrums
We will begin talking about the emotional meltdowns since more often than not, that is what children 3 years and under are experiencing. Why?
- An emotional meltdown happens when the emotional part of the brain (limbic) becomes over-aroused and takes over the control from the thinking part of the brain (prefrontal cortex).1
Here are some of the most common reasons for a tantrum
- Want to be on their own, and get upset when they can’t do what they want
- Are in a transition such as from daycare to home
- Are trying to get attention to test the rules
- Have something taken away from them
- Have not learned all the words to tell you what they are feeling or want and this upsets them
- Don’t understand what you want them to do
- They may be tired, hungry, or thirsty
- Are worried or afraid
- Feel stress in the home
- Are trying hard to do something they want to do, and not succeeding
- They feel lonely
Why are they so intense?
It has been shown that these tantrums are very crucial life experiences in sculpting the brain.2 It is up to us adults to help teach children how to regulate their emotions during temper tantrums. Why? Because in doing so we help the brain to create neural pathways that will help a child learn to manage stress and be more assertive later in life.3
“ When a toddler is overcome by stress such as rage, a little alarm (amygdala) inside his emotional brain (aka limbic or lower brain) is triggered. When this happens, stress hormones are released to course through the toddler’s body and emotions become intense. This hormonal storm causes anguish and emotional pain which amounts to physical pain. To control strong emotions, a kid needs to first develop the thinking part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) and then the connections between the thinking brain and the emotional brain. However, the thinking brain is the last part of the brain to develop and it doesn’t completely mature until the mid-20s. This is why even older children can have difficulty controlling their emotions.”4
What happens if we do not help them regulate their emotions? They may grow up less able to handle stressful situations, they could struggle with anxiety, depression, aggression, and substance abuse. This emotional dysregulation can also affect academic and social competency.5 So it is vital to help our children learn to regulate their emotions.6
Now we have more of an understanding of them, what do we do?
- Try to avoid tantrums when possible-
- Do not shop when your child is hungry or tired. Try to stick to their regular schedule. Avoid long tiring days when you can
- If you see a tantrum revving up, try to distract them by singing a song or playing a game. This can raise their curiosity and that interests the logical brain and produced dopamine (the feel-good chemical)
- Give your toddler some control over the small things: what type of sandwich to eat, what color shirt to wear, and what book to read.
- A bored child will react stronger, try something new for them to explore
- Do not try to reason with a child in a tantrum
- This will often make them even more emotional. That is because when they are having a tantrum their emotional brain has taken over, and they cannot use their verbal functions and thinking brain.
- If possible, hug/hold your child, show empathy, and give words to why they are upset
- Hugging can help to trigger your child’s calming system, and thus it releases oxytocin (another feel-good chemical)
- Your empathy and verbalizing their feelings are important in building those pathways (synapses) between the emotional and logical brain.
- Do not yell/shame the child. Instead, stay calm, but DO NOT give in. Continue to verbalize that you know they are upset, but giving in will only encourage the behavior and down the road, most likely will lead to the Little Nero tantrums
- You can say things like, “I see that you are upset and angry about the soda, but you may not have any before bed.”
- Once your child has calmed down, then you can talk about what happened
- Help your child learn words they could use the next time they want something/need help.
- Talk about why it upset them so much. Get their viewpoint. We may think we understand their way of thinking, but we don’t. Consider their perspective.
- Talk about how it affected others and their feelings. This will help build empathy.
Now for the Little Nero tantrums. What are they?
These are the tantrums that are non-emotional ones. You can differentiate these from the emotional ones because there will be no sign of physically painful expressions on their face. In this case, you certainly should validate their emotion, such as “ I see you are very angry because I will not buy that toy, but I had said before we came into the store we were not getting any toys.” Then at that point, just let them choose to be done with their tantrum. While doing this it is most effective if you “actively ignore” the child until they are through. Then it is important to talk about what had occurred. And how it could be handled differently.
When to seek professional help:
- temper tantrums are severe, last long, or happen very often.
- Your child has a lot of trouble talking and can’t let you know what he or she needs.
- Temper tantrums continue or get worse after 3 to 4 years of age.
- Your child has signs of illness along with temper tantrums or holds his or her breath to cause fainting.
- Your child harms himself or herself or others during tantrums.
Children will have tantrums, but it is in teaching them how to deal with them, that real learning takes place. It has lifelong value for your child, so smile, keep calm, and keep going! At prek2go.com we would be happy to help you along your parenting journey. Please let us know how we could be of any assistance to you and your family.
Footnotes
- https://www.parentingforbrain.com/deal-toddler-temper-tantrums/ ↩︎
- https://www.parentingforbrain.com/deal-toddler-temper-tantrums/ ↩︎
- Greenough WT, Black JE, Wallace CS. Experience and Brain Development. Child Development. Published online June 1987:539. doi:10.2307/1130197 ↩︎
- Gunnar MR. Quality of Early Care and Buffering of Neuroendocrine Stress Reactions: Potential Effects on the Developing Human Brain. Preventive Medicine. Published online March 1998:208-211. doi:10.1006/pmed.1998.0276 ↩︎
- Denham SA, Blair KA, DeMulder E, et al. Preschool Emotional Competence: Pathway to Social Competence? Child Development. Published online February 2003:238-256. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00533 ↩︎
- Spinrad TL, Eisenberg N, Cumberland A, et al. Relation of emotion-related regulation to children’s social competence: A longitudinal study. Emotion. Published online 2006:498-510. doi:10.1037/1528-3542.6.3.498 ↩︎
