By this point, most of you reading this have tried many things, many times: the sticker charts, the little rewards, etc. and feel at your wits end. None of that worked, so now what?
The first thing is to take a step back, relax, and take a deep breath.
If your child is over 3 or 4 and still not potty trained, it often becomes a power struggle between you and the child. However, the first thing to do is to identify the reason your child is so resistant.
- Is there a medical problem?
Generally speaking, if a child can hold their urine, hide to poop, or refuse for a long period to go when you have tried training, their neurologic system is intact and there is another cause of the resistance. Signs of a true medical issue could be painful urination, chronic diarrhea, wetting while laughing, constantly damp underwear, and chronic constipation.
- In this case, talk to your pediatrician/specialist and together come up with a workable solution for your family.
- Is it just a power struggle?
The cause of the power struggle is usually reminder resistance – an oppositional response to excessive reminders to sit on the toilet. In addition, most resistant children have been held on the toilet against their will. Many children have also been lectured too much, and some have been spanked or punished in other ways for not cooperating. Many parents make these mistakes, especially if they have a strong-willed child. Often if there is a strong-willed child, there tends to be a strong-willed parent. This can lead to an even bigger struggle. Children desire to be autonomous, so allow them to be.
- https://www.mckenzie-pediatrics.com/shop/images/ToiletTrainingResistance.pdf is a very helpful resource that can give ideas on how to deal with the power struggle. In essence, put the responsibility back on them-take your “hands-off” so to speak.
- Are they afraid of something?
What specifically is that fear? How can you overcome that fear? Find a way around it? Do not dismiss that fear, talk about it, find the specific root, and then devise a solution. Above all, don’t give them ideas of fears they are not voicing. For example, don’t ask them if they are afraid that something will get them from the toilet…if they have never said that. In doing that you may have inadvertently given them a new fear on top of whatever their original fear was.
- https://www.luriechildrens.org/en/blog/when-your-child-is-scared-to-poop-on-the-potty/ has some very helpful tips for helping a child overcome a myriad of fears about the toilet. These approaches offer understanding and compassion as well as hopeful solutions.
All children will eventually learn to use the potty and no one without a medical issue, goes to college wearing diapers. Neither will your child. Hang in there, take a deep breath, and know that it will be ok. You are not alone. If you have any other questions or concerns or are looking for some support, please contact us at VK Early Learning.com. We would be happy to help you.
