You may be experiencing LONG nighttime battles with your toddler and feel like a failure and all alone. You are not a failure. You simply want some sleep! Why is this happening? Where did your sweet child go? And what can you do?
First, it is important to know that toddlers are notorious for testing boundaries and trying to express their independence, and refusing to sleep is one way of doing this. We may assume they are not tired. “Lots of parents think, ‘Well, he couldn’t be that tired because he’s running around the room like a banshee,'” says Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., associate director of the Sleep Center at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. “But kids can become more active the more tired they are.” (https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/sleep/issues/toddler-sleep-solutions-to-common-problems/).
Other than testing us, what may be the reasons they are not going down easily? And what can you do about it?
- They had too long of a nap, or too late of a nap. Each age group tends to require a different amount of sleep. Toddlers tend to fall in needing a total of 11-14 hours of sleep.
- You may need to switch it up. Go to one nap a day, right after early lunch if they still take two. Try shortening their nap, or making it earlier (typically about 6 hours after they wake up in the morning tends to work well).
- They are overtired and going full steam ahead.
- Try moving their bedtime up about 15 minutes a day until there is no resistance. Make the hour before bed a calm time, with lowlights, and quiet activities, such as calming baths, snuggling, and reading books (no electronics of any kind that can stimulate them more). Most toddlers are ready for bed between 6:30-7:30 pm.
- They are hungry or thirsty
- Be sure in that quiet hour before bed that your child has a bedtime snack (not in a bright kitchen-dim the flights) and something to drink. It is hard to sleep if you are hungry or thirsty.
- They are scared, have nightmares/fears
- This tends to happen more towards the two-year range but could be anytime. Make bedtime cheerful and happy, helping them to have a happy mind frame going to sleep. If they truly have fears, do not dismiss them, instead, acknowledge them as fears, and work together on how to find a solution you both think will help. A nightlight and something soft to cuddle may just help.
- They have huge tantrums
- Often these occur because a child is overtired, doesn’t want the day to end, or just simply wants more time with you. It is very important to stick to your bedtime routine. Remind your child how the evening will go. For example, after supper, you can say, “I will clean up and you can play. Once that is done it will be time for your bath. We can get pajamas on and then you may have a bedtime snack ( be sure it has no caffeine or sugar, as that will wind up a child), and then we will brush our teeth. After that, it is our special snuggling and book time”. Making a visual schedule for your child can be extremely helpful for some. There are a few examples of one you could print easily ( from Pinterest), add your steps, or you can make your own.
- They are used to having someone with them to go to sleep.
- This is something as adults you have to decide how you want to deal with it. A child that tends to have someone with them (especially if rocking, holding, or lying with them) tends to wake more fully at night, wanting that same level of comfort. If you want to break this habit, it will take time, love, and patience. There are several ways in which you can do this. Which one to choose will be up to you.
- You place them in bed and allow them to fuss/cry and return at regular intervals to reassure them. In Sleep Solutions: Quiet Nights for You and Your Child from Birth to Five Years, author Rachel Waddilove recommends that parents begin with 5-minute increments and then extend the time to 7 minutes, and then 10. As long as nothing is wrong (such as illness or a wet diaper), a child will eventually self-soothe and fall asleep.
- If you want to accomplish this without tears or fussing, then you will start slowly and methodically. Begin by holding and rocking as you normally do ( however, do not do this with a bottle or nursing- you will want to do that earlier if you still are). When they are almost fully asleep, lay them down and stay with them until fully asleep. From there you move to laying them down just a bit tired and staying. Then you would go to lay them down with you there. As they get used to this, you would slowly move a bit farther and farther away, until you are no longer visible to them, and they can go to sleep on their own. It is often a help for a child to have something soft (but safe) to snuggle with.
- They keep getting out of bed or calling for me
This can either be part of the power struggle, or there could be a level of separation anxiety involved. Parents often find it helpful to help their child feel comfortable by themselves, either by sitting by them as explained above or by using a return method. With your child, set a time limit to when you will keep coming back. For instance, start by setting a timer every 2 minutes to return. This helps your child see you are still there and will keep your word. Eventually, they will fall asleep. Once they are good with that, work on extending the time, to say 5 minutes. Eventually you can lengthen them to a point that they will be asleep before you come in.
Whatever you may be facing, everyone needs to get rest. Just remember, you will get through this, and by helping your child learn to sleep on their own you are helping them to grow in their autonomy.
We hope that this has helped you. If you find yourself with further questions or are looking for other resources, visit us at VK Early Learning and we would be more than happy to assist you in any way we possibly can.
